Cult of REWE
I don’t really remember my first trip to Germany, except that it was to Berlin. I imagine I did some clubbing and drinking and so on but something far more momentous happened: it was on that trip that I discovered REWE.
From the outside, REWE is just a big supermarket chain, like Sainsbury’s or Wal-Mart. But inside is a veritable cornucopia of stuff, somehow cramming in much more than you’d expect from a normal supermarket. Its name also cannot be correctly pronounced by non-Germans.
One area where Germany outdoes itself is vegan meat alternatives (and vegan stuff generally). The UK is decent for such stuff and most of Europe doesn’t even fucking try, but Germany is an exception. REWE sells at least a dozen kinds of fake meat made of lentils, soya and other non-sentient objects. Perfect for Abendbrot, that most German of meals (bread with stuff on it, aka girl dinner).
REWE is also known for its distinct aesthetics. The REWE on Schönhauser Allee, Berlin is affectionately known as “party REWE” for its enormous flashing sign11. Thanks to Skaiste Anuzyte for recording a video of party REWE for me!, and recently received UNESCO World Heritage designation:
Indeed, the Party continues inside the store itself, with Partygarnelen (party shrimp) lit up with this cheerful display:
REWE is also the best place to buy Ritter Sport, the world’s squarest chocolate. You might be familiar with it from your local corner shop, perhaps the pedestrian Cornflake or White Chocolate Macadamia flavours.
But did you know there are forty five varieties, including vegan options, minis, and cubes? That there are a bunch of limited edition flavours that aren’t even on the website, which you have to literally go to REWE to discover like some sort of chocolate-themed treasure hunt? That the Ritter dynasty is so powerful that there is a fucking Ritter Museum featuring abstract geometric art?
The supermarket shenanigans don’t end there. Germany has two discounter supermarkets, Netto and Netto. Or to be more specific, Netto mit Hund (Netto with dog) and Netto ohne Hund (Netto without dog).
The explanation is somewhat bland – Netto mit Hund is a Danish discounter (presumably they call it something else) and the other one is German. This is merely convergence, but Germany also has a notable Supermarkt-Schism: Aldi was split into Aldi Nord and Aldi Süd when the Aldi brothers couldn’t agree on whether to sell tobacco products. They’ve since gone on to become huge multinationals (and they now both sell tobacco) but they never merged back, a testament to the longevity of sibling rivalry and German stubbornness.
If you want to understand a country, skip the museums and visit its supermarkets. In the UK, we have over 1.8 quadrillion sad sandwich+drink+snack meal deal combinations (although I will concede they are a testament to the cultural institution that is the cheap British lunch).
In Germany, supermarkets are a celebration. Flashing signs, garishly illuminated seafood, people happily milling about the aisles buying square chocolate (“square, practical, good”).
This is a country with its priorities straight.
(Disclaimer: this post is a pre-print, pending formal review from the Shrimp Welfare Project censorship committee.)
