You can just not do things

Famously, you can just do things. But you can also just not do things.

Here are some things you can just not do.

Have your phone on you at all times. Leave it somewhere else. Go for a walk, leave it behind. Keep it out of your bedroom while you sleep.

— [related: check your notifications 100 times a day. Seriously, was the last time you didn’t look at your phone for two hours (apart from when you were asleep)?]

— [related: check your messages 99 times a day.]

Reply immediately to messages (and feel guilty for not immediately replying to messages). A good trick is turning off read receipts; the reduces the guilt you feel when someone knows you’ve seen their message but you’re “leaving them on read”. You’re allowed not to live in a constant maelstrom of information.

Work full-time. There are lots of other ways to make a living: part-time, contracting, starting a business. Or you can save up some money, live cheaply, and just not work at all.

Read the news. An addiction I haven’t managed to quit, but it’s for sure a vice. Reduce your intake of inflammatory information which you can’t do anything about; focus on things within your control.

Optimise everything. Maybe chill out with all the endless tracking. I don’t need my Fitbit to tell me I slept badly – I already know that. (Incidentally, this is what caused me to get rid of my WHOOP after the one month free trial – 99% sleep score on a night where I was awake for at least an hour.)

Go to events you don’t want to go to. This can be dangerous – sometimes you should push yourself to go to the party, you might have a great time! But you’re also allowed to just decide to have a night in and not go. If you feel excited about the other person cancelling on you, well… that should tell you something.

Talk. In a conversation, you can just be silent, let there be a space. Often the most interesting things will appear from that vacuum.

Have a full and busy Sunday. I used to hate having an empty Sunday. I would feel lonely and antsy – I should be having a fun weekend, I should be out doing things. Until one weekend I was sick and couldn’t do anything, so I stayed in bed under my heated blanket and watched Netflix. It was great, and it cured me of the idea that I have to be out doing fun things.

Bite your tongue. If you’re like me, this is a struggle. Asking for what you want is difficult. Worse is saying what you don’t want, telling someone they upset you or did something you didn’t like. But the freedom to be fully honest is always available to you, and is usually better than the alternative.

Explain yourself. No thanks. Or: that doesn’t work for me. Or: I don’t feel comfortable with that. Or the very Bay Area-coded I’m not available for that.

Allow people to walk over you. I took a course on how to be less non-confrontational and it changed my life. It makes you realise that you aren’t helpless, like you can pick up the stick and fight your corner. You don’t have to take part in your own abuse. Do not permit anyone to harm you.

Live alone. Lots of people view it as juvenile to not be living alone by a certain age. This is stupid – living with other people is great! You can have housemates, live in more intentional group houses, live on a commune, whatever. Living with people has much to recommend it.

Have a plan. You can just bumble through for a while, no big deal. Especially if you’ve gone straight from one job to another for years like me, it can be quite refreshing to just leave without a real plan of what comes next. Not having a plan means you’re open to the next great thing that comes along.

Be miserable. If you are depressed, do something about it – medication, therapy, and exercise all work. If aren’t enjoying yourself and it’s been a few months, change it. Don’t be a passenger in your life.